Nice to see you Mr Rabbit

Tears stain my jeans

Colours them red, deep red

It’s not blood, I’m not real

Made of nothing, empty

I’m black, ash colored

Puff of smoke skin

Pure white mooneyes

Gazing into spirits

Of the gone, leaving

I’m waiting for souls

I notice, they wave

Goodbye, sometimes hello

I fail, the rabbit is late

White substance swims within

Lights up my neurons

Cravings being, stop, being

More holes, look into my arm

Fleshy mess, oozy, infected

Cleanse it with words

Get onto my knees, reach bible

Oh there’s a bit I dropped

Cravings stop

Ceiling turns turns turns

Come down the hole

Into wonderland

You’re late, you’re late

Come back home.

Life in Linear

I see, I see, I can

Nothing but a dog

Waiting for love, a stroke

A bone

Its been night, day, time

Passes me waiting, longing

Lights on, off, on, off

ticktockticktock

Head nod, weights, heavy

Hands rough, work, paste

Water drips, slow rush

Time to sleep, can’t

Eyes too distressed, tired

I’m tired, tired, tired

Repetitive, everything is repetitive

Ongoing, is it Thursday?

Blackness in my system

Bleaching my organs

Acid fire, sore, hunchback

Weak to breath, collapsing

Heaving passage, a dam

Beavers claw at it, release

Just settle down, in and out

Calm the air, take it in, accept

A fog demon blocks light

Bulbs don’t work, no electric

I think it’s Thursday?

Blind eyes look through rose

In the mist of day, night

No one here, knows, existent

Everything red, different shades

Fire brick, flame, folly, lust

People lust, they do, beady eyes

Glare, tearing up, viewing

Thoughts erasing, hate blaring

Lusting for admiration,

Like a dog

Waiting for love, a stroke

A bone.

Institutional love.

Tender notes blare

Aggressively stabs the silence

Murders those demons

Those creepy thoughts

The emptiness of this cold room

With white walls,

Waiting for someone to walk in

But not just anyone, not a stranger,

A doctor, nurse, psychologist, therapist

Not a friend, I don’t know

….confused…

It’s taking its toll, work, work, work

Day by day then some nights

Hours pass, money comes in, so what?

The green in the bank means shit

I feel alone, bored, slave.

I wait, feel constantly in a line

Don’t want to wait, I want more

Might leave, might leave, might leave,

Doctor says no, not safe, too ill

He might rip out of me, sharp claws

Then eat me all up, yum.

Vulnerable soul me

Everyone is away again,

Don’t know where they go

Why make me wonder, fret

Having these constant worries

Silly, silly me

Why Yasmine, why why why?

You need help, shut up, stop

Leaving myself in your dirt

Like a spy, like a officer, dictator, detective

Why?

Why?

WHY?!

I think I will sleep, lay to rest

They will leave me alone, stop the prods

Interrogations, “Are you okay?”

“Yes”

Mental Disarray

In my ear you tell such things,

Oh tickle my appetite for your bearings,

Make tender, kind suggestions,

All I want is the best, finest,

Don’t hint at these beginnings

Without failure or false starts

You know you cannot please me

Or have my heart.

God has my heart and owns my soul

It is he who will judge me

Laugh at my crashes, slams, knocks

It pains me to stay, to sit here

Amongst this disarray, chaos

You flattered me, youthful coy

With you in my ear

Teasing me about nothing, nothing.

Ponder on what you ask me

Think whether I want it, your

Hateful mornings run in my veins

Into your blood filled eyes

Stare at me, wonder what I think, see

Its hell, darkness and gore

Nothing lies in my head alive

Countless deaths wet, abuse

Please go, use someone else

Take me no further into your depths

Only he can have me I said

I vowed, carpet stained knees

Beneath the ceiling of the sky

Of the heavens of this earth

Dearest, dearest child, do you see

I am the devil, he’s within in me

Virgin I am not, or ever be

Shake from within, red mist free

Fire burn glee, crawling into speech

Flame up to your people, society

I am free, free, free.

Words out of Reach

In the bounds of my mind

Riddles run

Thick, thick, dark, dark, lines

Full of irregularity,

Amid all the bewildering words

Should it evolve out my mouth?

Into sounds, words

Call out to you, you

Could see

Discover what is wicked.

If I was to fly, fly high

Above that bundle of cloud

See what sets above them

Hiding from me, witness.

It’s only a dream, a thought

A pulled seam, string

I talk with bitter, shit

Don’t leave.

What’s wrong with me?!

Since last May, here I am. I sit here day by day, thinking, fantasying, dreaming and doubting about what’s going to happen in my life. It’s been hard. Waiting for things to happen can drive a person mad, and things are starting to take it’s toll. At eighteen I didn’t expect things to be like this. At thirteen I had my life planned:

1. Get good GCSEs

2. Get into Sixth Form

3. Get 5 A-levels above C

4. Go to University

5. Leave everything behind.

The thing is, life throws decisions at you that can change everything…and my decisions have been difficult. At christmas I moved out with my 16 year old (at the time) boyfriend . This you say is questionable but my family situation wasn’t helping me get through my A-levels. He gave me a way out, I had to take it. Now, I fell strongly in love with him. I could not leave, I achieved everything up to number three. 

I’m stuck in my town, searching jobseekers all day, commenting on all the jobs I’ve applied for with a bit of writing between. It’s unhealthy for me. I want to live, be free with money and security. It’s scaring me. Since May I’ve been in this seat. I have filled out all my Ucas for 2014, but what will I do until then. I’ve been job hunting for months and it’s stressing me out. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me?!