Phantom.

It’s walking with me, Sometimes dances in shadows Flutters of memories Kindly wrecking my present, Noises of laughter Stretches staring into my eyes Snaps shouting hunger, thirst Run whilst you can, naive girl, Dumb, tough, independent Curious Rush, seconds, minutes, Time I have, clocks aren’t ticking My world is at a stop Is this it? […]

You inspire me and this is for you.

This isn’t something I do, I can put my feelings into words and make them seem like something artistic in a way. But this time, what I feel isn’t beautifully sad or touching, this is life. Life hurts, it beats you even if you think you’re on top of it. So despite everything, all those posts don’t matter, all those poems about that one person and what he does to me, are complete waste. All they do now is remind me of the pain, I never wrote anything happy about him or what I felt like being around him and now I regret it. I feel sick that I never let myself put down the times I cherish the most, the times that haunt my sleep. I’m sat in a dark room wanting things to stop, my thoughts to lay in motion and just continue with life without memories. It seems to be that the mind can be the most revengeful thing, when you give yourself to someone that’s it, there is no way of taking it back. I regret trusting you, letting myself give myself to you was the nail in my coffin. It’s the mentality that I gave you! I told you I was struggling! I told you I wasn’t coping and look where you’ve left me. I cannot understand how people can hurt each other everyday, what I do is just think about the people fighting with weapons, women being abused and people starving all around us, then my problems don’t mean a thing. But should they? I feel alone, lost and empty, I feel like I could harm myself and a baby for someone to look after. I gave up my start in life for some stupid childhood fantasy, I have no one to blame but myself and now I’m finding it hard to find a way out again. I don’t feel me, I feel I’ve destroyed myself for the past year, you abused me. You abused me. You abused me. Do you understand that? I couldn’t let go of you because you was all I knew, and you knew that. You never wanted me to be happy, you wanted to drag me out for all to see, you spoke horrible words behind my back because how would I ever know? 

You inspire me to hate you.

 

Child who I was Has died and gone It’s a sad tale Not one to remember If you could listen Hear my thoughts and cry Hold me as I Struggle within you I don’t know who I am Yet I want to be her Where they say I seem to not care I want to play today […]

Offer a lift, take me home Sing along to the story of my life Drill yourself in the head you’re crazy So they say, tell me Lies, lies lies spill out my dangerous mouth I feel hostile, aggressive,on edge, murderer Demons whisper loudly, you can’t hear I suffer, not in silence Crave attention, comfort I […]

Institutional love.

Tender notes blare

Aggressively stabs the silence

Murders those demons

Those creepy thoughts

The emptiness of this cold room

With white walls,

Waiting for someone to walk in

But not just anyone, not a stranger,

A doctor, nurse, psychologist, therapist

Not a friend, I don’t know

….confused…

It’s taking its toll, work, work, work

Day by day then some nights

Hours pass, money comes in, so what?

The green in the bank means shit

I feel alone, bored, slave.

I wait, feel constantly in a line

Don’t want to wait, I want more

Might leave, might leave, might leave,

Doctor says no, not safe, too ill

He might rip out of me, sharp claws

Then eat me all up, yum.

Vulnerable soul me

Everyone is away again,

Don’t know where they go

Why make me wonder, fret

Having these constant worries

Silly, silly me

Why Yasmine, why why why?

You need help, shut up, stop

Leaving myself in your dirt

Like a spy, like a officer, dictator, detective

Why?

Why?

WHY?!

I think I will sleep, lay to rest

They will leave me alone, stop the prods

Interrogations, “Are you okay?”

“Yes”

Mental Disarray

In my ear you tell such things,

Oh tickle my appetite for your bearings,

Make tender, kind suggestions,

All I want is the best, finest,

Don’t hint at these beginnings

Without failure or false starts

You know you cannot please me

Or have my heart.

God has my heart and owns my soul

It is he who will judge me

Laugh at my crashes, slams, knocks

It pains me to stay, to sit here

Amongst this disarray, chaos

You flattered me, youthful coy

With you in my ear

Teasing me about nothing, nothing.

Ponder on what you ask me

Think whether I want it, your

Hateful mornings run in my veins

Into your blood filled eyes

Stare at me, wonder what I think, see

Its hell, darkness and gore

Nothing lies in my head alive

Countless deaths wet, abuse

Please go, use someone else

Take me no further into your depths

Only he can have me I said

I vowed, carpet stained knees

Beneath the ceiling of the sky

Of the heavens of this earth

Dearest, dearest child, do you see

I am the devil, he’s within in me

Virgin I am not, or ever be

Shake from within, red mist free

Fire burn glee, crawling into speech

Flame up to your people, society

I am free, free, free.